After running this ship consistently for the last couple of months, I'm sure a lot of you are wondering why the hell I'm actually doing this. Honestly, that is a great question. Why am I taking the time, which is short supply these days, to write blog posts and share them for all to read? Let me take you on a journey...
Last December, I was literally going through, what I can now assume in hindsight, a mid life crisis. I was miserable, I hated the life that I always thought I wanted and I found joy in absolutely nothing. Medication was probably needed but for whatever reason, I avoid medicine and asking for help like the plague. So here I was, sitting in a cubicle with no privacy at a job that felt like a dead end. A degree that I was told was a necessity basically sitting there not being used and while I liked certain aspects of my job, I could feel it slowly sucking the life out of me. Again, I was miserable.
I had spent half of my marriage trying to figure out how to start a family and once I got that family, the expectations didn't come close to the reality. I wasn't sure if it was because of the way we chose to start a family or if it was like that for all parents. I was just a giant ball of anxiety, depression and if I'm honest, anger. I was angry at a lot of things but it all boiled down to being angry at myself and then feeling guilty for being angry about ALL the things. It was a vicious cycle that led to overeating, lots of drinking and a quick trip away from God. I WAS DONE!
I started journaling. Believe me, I'm not a writer and it was one of things I hated most about school and college. Journaling was different. I remembered when I worked juvenile mental health that we always encouraged our kids to journal in order to get emotions out. At the time, I thought it was a bunch of tree hugger hippy mess but encouraging it was part of the job description. In a desperate last ditch attempt to fix myself before it became necessary to ask others, I tried it. It felt weird at first but as I made it a priority to do it daily, I just kept writing and soon I had an entire notebook full of those icky emotions. I felt better. It felt like I was leaving all of my crap in the notebook and was then able to carry on with my day and life.
After I got over myself a little bit. I was able to go back and read what I had written. Some days, I just wrote and afterwards, I honestly didn't remember what I wrote. I noticed a lot of themes in what I wrote. Those themes tended to be related to expectations versus reality. Whether they were my expectations or the expectations of other people, they were written about almost daily. I had my epiphany!
There I was. I flipped a switch and decided to say screw it and do what I wanted. It felt AMAZING. It was at that point that I decided to turn the random building that we had bought the year before into a bar and screw what people thought about that idea. I knew it was good idea so I did it. I also decided to take some ideas from that journaling and start posting a more sensitive version of it online. My original version had A LOT of profanity. What can I say? I love Jesus and the F word. He forgives me and so should you.
My thought was that through posting some of the mess that was in my head, I could help others. I knew I couldn't be the only person who has experienced this. If by me sharing the cluster that was in my head could help just one person put their mess into perspective, then it was worth it to me.
That's what I did. I started out writing about self help books and what I got out of them and how I was slowly trying to fix myself. After a while, I'll be honest, I got tired of writing the same themes. For those who know me, you know that I have a brain full of useful, or useless, knowledge. Why not share some of it?
I wanted to create place where people could come to see that others, who looked put together, were also raging dumpster fires under the surface. Misery loves company, right? My ultimate goal is to create a community that actually meets together in real life. Covid kind of put a stop to any and all of that but I'm still hopeful that once all this crap is over, we can meet as a community and support each other, or just have a beer. Whatever is preferred.
I continue to do this because I actually enjoy it now. Planning and writing content gives me joy and is helping to keep me sane during this time of virtual learning. I mean I love her, but the kid is driving me nuts.
So that is why I do this. I do this because I like it. I do this because it may help others. I do this to keep myself sane and well adjusted. I mean, as I write, it almost feels like I'm talking to someone. So when I ask for feedback or suggestions...I'm not kidding! Shoot them my way. I want this to be interactive for all of us.