About three months ago, I could have written a book called How to Suck at Life: A Million Ways to Feel Like Shit. Obviously, I didn't because who the hell wants to read something that depressing? I felt like a complete dumpster fire of a hot mess. I was miserable, ineffective, angry, sad and I felt like I had to push all of this down deep inside and keep on moving. Which is exactly what I did. Hell, it was what I was taught to do. Wipe it off and throw it down. Today may bring hell but tomorrow will come. Your responsibilities will be the same so you have no time to wallow in pity and self deprecation today.
I didn't ask for help. I didn't talk to anyone. I'm sure those close to me noticed a difference in my attitude but I'm a firm believer in fixing your own problems. Again, a by product of my upbringing. I knew I could do it, but I had no idea how to find the tools to do so. Enter my search of Amazon Unlimited and their self help section. I feel dirty just typing that but I was desperate. Anytime I think self help, I think about Family Guy making fun of it with Brian's book, Wish It, Want It, Do It.
However, I found a gem. Keryl Pesce's book, Hello Beautiful: Break Free From the Chains of Regret, Self Doubt and Comparison, and Discover the Freedom, Power and Beauty of Being the Real You. The title is horrible but the book proved to be pure gold. Within the first few pages, she was speaking my language and I read what I wasn't able to put into my own words. I was hiding the parts of myself that I disliked from everyone. I disowned the aspects of myself that didn't fit into what I wanted and as a result I was miserable. I think Pesce said it best when saying that "... I found myself falling ass-first down a rabbit hole of fear and doubt. Of What? Pretty much everything ... my abilities, my worth ... basically my life." (Pesce 5)
I had this plan and this image of who I wanted to be and I was NOT living up to it. I thought I could create a better version of myself than the one that God created. Needless to say, I was a freaking idiot. What did I find so unacceptable that I was making myself miserable? The answer, failure. I have such a high definition for what I think success is that I was doomed to fail before I even started.
I have too many irons in the fire for one small set back to send me crashing down but that was exactly what was happening. Potty training going to hell? Well that must mean that I suck at life and am a horrible mother. My career isn't what I want it to be? Guess I'm not as smart as I think I am and I've been put in my place. Duke Power can't get power to my building? That's God saying I'm not meant to be a business owner and if I do manage to get there, I'll fail then too. I was piling so much negative crap onto myself that I was barely functioning but when anyone asked, I was fine or I was good. Why do we, as a society, hide our struggles? We all have them so are they really that hard to talk about?
If nothing else, the biggest thing I got from this book was that by hiding our struggles, we are doing each other a disservice.
Hiding and not sharing prevents us from truly connecting with people. Which is probably why I don't make friends well. Here we are again with the reason that I started this site. True connection is so important for our mental health. Accepting ourselves at face value is important and having others accept us as we really are is super important.
This is going to be, and has been, a daily thing for me. I'm looking to start meditation to help with grounding myself. I'm writing posts, like this one, to get it out and I'm hoping that it will help others to do the same. I may not know what other people are facing but I know deep down that I cannot be alone in struggling.
Join me on my struggle bus. It's legit, it even has a pretty logo. A flower chain makes everything better, right? Join me in being a positive and whole version of ourselves. Showing the world that there is beauty in the flaws and that you can be comfortable in your own skin.
Once the holidays are over, lets create a community of support. Lets get together over comfort food and drinks and just chat. Even if we don't discuss our issues, we know we're all in it together and there is a comfort in knowing that we could talk about it if we needed to.
Remember, "The real you is far more beautiful, brilliant, and bursting with unrealized potential than any partial or masked version could ever be."(Pesce 12)
*** For more information about Keryl Pesce and her books, please use the following link to her website: kerylpesce.com. The link used above takes you to her book, Hello Beautiful: Break Free From the Chains of Regret, Self Doubt and Comparison, and Discover the Freedom, Power and Beauty of Being the Real You, on Amazon. ***